L4D2 Continued Keith Stories

I ever tell you about the time me and Keith snuck a paintball gun on a rollercoaster? I never heard'a anybody else doin' it, so I thought we might'a invented a sport, so Keith called the patent office, but

~it turned out there was a similar sport bein' patented right at that moment, so the morons at the patent office couldn't see the difference between ours an theirs.
We were so mad, I tell ya, Keith thought he'd actually won this one, jus fer once.
Well, finally Keith called me up in the middle of the night, said we were goin' on a strike til they patented our sport. 'Course I was game, so I got up and went to the big ol' fairground were we started the whole thing, an' we climbed into the rollercoaster seats an' waited till morning. Turns out Keith brought a shotgun and a backpack full of food, so we sat there all day, people shoutin' at us to get out of the ride, Keith kept 'em at bay with his shotgun. Right at about noon the riot police got called in.
Keith tried to make a break for it, cause them riot police had tear gas, and did I ever tell you about... Wait, I should finish this story first. Anyway, I was detained at the police office fer like six hours, and for some reason they thought I was a hostage of Keith's or somethin. I got off scot free!! Keith wasn't so lucky though. Six months of community service. And somehow that turned into his own homemade alcohol business, but I guess I'll save that one later.~

I ever tell you about the time my buddy Keith fell down an open manhole? He was unconscious down there for like a week. Durin' that time, unbeknownst to Keith, they paved over him. Keith had to

~dig his way down instead of up, 'course, since he found out pretty quickly that he couldn't dig through concrete.
Anyway, his air was startin to run out I'm guessin, so he dug under and then up. Came out in a corn feild. I don't know how. He just did. Anyway, he got up, an he realized that he was in the middle of a ginormous crop circle!
Now, my buddy Keith ain't super superstitious, but he'd heard of crop circles, an it was the middle of the night when he got there, an he heard this sound and I guess it scared the hell out of him. He ran for two miles, all the way to a gun store, he was yellin' at the clerk that he needed something big to take out some aliens or somethin'.
Anyway, the clerk got mad, or bored, or somethin', so he told Keith to go home. Big mistake. Keith was already a nervous wreck, an maybe it was because he was tired, or spooked, or because of all the dirt he swallowed underground, but he thought the clerk was bein' controlled by the "aliens".
The next mornin' the clerks wife found the two of them, the clerk was tied to a chair and Keith had fallen asleep questioning him or somethin'. He had his pocket knife out an' everyithin. But it ended up okay. I think.~


I ever tell you about the time my buddy Keith got married? 'Course not... That's a trick question. He never got married. Ya know you always hear about them runaway brides? Well, Keith, he was a runaway groom, and on his wedding day... Yep, it all started when he...

~met this lady called Hannah DeRegas. She was one of them tourists who come down in the winter to get away from all the cold. Now, Hannah was a beaut-eh and real wealthy too. Keith met her at the beach when he was tryin' to catch sea turtles an breed'em for money. Anyway, they caught on like wildfire man, and one day Keith up and asked her to marry him. She was one of them rebelious types and she said Yes, maybe just to spite her parents or somethin'. Anyhoo, a few weeks later the wedding was gonna take place. Keith was startin' to get cold feet, and Hannah didn't help things by tellin' him all the girly shit they were gonna do after the wedding. Now here is the part with the runaway groom. And the twist is, he didn't actually mean to, see it turns out he got a call from his brother Paul that the police had found his missing car. Did I tell you it was missing? Well, it was, and they found it a few miles upstate half covered in mud, inside a cave. Dunno how it got there. The police were sayin' they were gonna impound it if the owner didn't come pick it up by lunchtime, so Keith had to skidadle. He didn't at first. Tried to ignore it, but ya see, he couldn't. He'd promised himself he'd take care of this car, unlike the last two, and a promise is a promise, even to yourself. So just as Hannah was comin' down the aisle, Keith ran like mad, hopped on a bus and went ta find his car. When he came back, every one had left and totally trashed the marquee. Kinda makes you think, donit?~

I ever tell you about the time Keith tried to deep-fry a turkey? Third degree burns over 90 percent of his body. His doctor called up, like, other doctors to look at him cause they'd never seen burns on top of existing burns

~before! Anyway, Keith was pretty sure he had some sort of world record, so he called the guinness book of world records office. He told'em all about the accident with the turkey, and the homemade fireworks too, but the lady on the other end said he had to send in proof, or come himself.
Now Keith wasn't aloud to fly on planes anymore cause he tried to smuggle alcohol
onto one an they thought he was tryin' to blow it up or somethin, but he didn't have a camera to take a picture of himself neither.
He asked like, six different people, but the sonsabitches didn't lend'im theirs fer some reason.
Anyway, Keith was about ready to give up, when I told him we could just buy a camera. But he couldn't pay for it cause he was flat broke, so he tried borrowing money from his brothers, but that didn't end well.
So we had no idea what to do. An Keith was gettin' desperate, so he decided to "borrow" one from the local tech store. Said he'd give it right back after he took a picture of himself an mailed it.
Now Keith is a pretty smart guy, but he wasn't good enough to outsmart the store security. Man, that had to be like, his fourth time in jail. And he broke an arm trying to escape from the police. He tried to tell'em he was only borrowin' it. Poor Keith.~

My buddy Keith tried camping out on top of a building once. He was shooting crows, but the police were too busy teargassin' him to ask what he was doin' up there. He screamed for an entire year every single time he opened his eyes! Oh, man! At first, it was funny; then it just got sad, but then it got funny again! Oh, man!

~Hoo! But that Keith, he don't miss a chance to make money. He opened up a little kiosk in his backyard, "Meet screamin' Keith!" 4.99 a visit. He reckoned everyone would love a to meet a screamin' guy, cause everybody loves pointless screamin, right? Well, at first everyone loved the attraction, and Keith could "see" that haha, so he jacked up the price to 9.99. He figured if people wanted quality entertainment, then they might as well pay a good whack a cash for it. People didn't like that. He also said they needed to pay an extra five bucks for all the time's they'd seen him before.
Anyhoo, it was real late at night and I heard someone tappin' at my window. How Keith had managed to climb that tree and find the window without bein' able to see anythin is beyond me, but he did. So I let him inside an he explained that there was a shit angry mob after him. That had to be like, the third time, an I was startin' to get tired of it, so I told him we'd take a little vacation. I had to smuggle him outside to my car in an old box of crap I found in the garage. Now, the mob was suspicious 'cause they knew I was his friend, so they said that I had ta light the box on fire before they'd let me get to my car. Well, I couldn't argue, an neither could Keith, so I lit the box on fire an ran like hell. Keith was burned pretty bad by the time I put the box out, but I think he enjoyed the vacation. Met his girlfriend there too.~

I ever tell you about the time my buddy Keith drowned in the Tunnel of Love? You wouldn't think it could happen 'cause the water's so shallow, but thats how it gets you man. Overconfidence. Keith was with his lady at the time, and he was yellin' for her to save him, but she didn't want to get wet.

~Heh. Anyway, Keith finally got caught on the edge of her boat and she was able to pull him out of the water without gettin' wet. Now, thank goodness he got snagged when he did, cause at that point he was only half-drowned. You know, there's whole-drowned and then there's half-drowned. You can still save a person if they're only half drowned, so his girl-friend tried to do CPR, but she wasn't very good at it, an nobody was helpin' them cause they just looked like two smoochin' sonsabitches. Anyway, the ride stopped and I guess she got tired of breathin' into him, or she thought he was dead or somethin', so she left him in the ride. That thing went around, like, six times before anyone really noticed him. The park security finally pulled him out of the boat an gave him some real CPR. I'm not sure what happened after that, but I think there was somethin' about fireworks. Or maybe that was another time? I donno.~